24 helpful tips for starting university for students – and their parents

From budgeting to freshers’ flu, there is a lot to navigate when moving away from home as a young adult

Every autumn, several hundred thousand wide-eyed and behoodied freshers head to UK universities for the first time. For them – and their parents left behind in emptier nests – this brings both excitement and apprehension. Will they find decent friends? Will they drag themselves out of bed to get to lectures? Will they wash their clothes and bedding more than once a term?
If you’re a parent of one of this year’s crop and went to university yourself, you might think you know the score. But student life has evolved since our generation dragged boxes of records, cassettes and CDs into halls that were rather grubbier than modern equivalents: some of today’s swankier digs boast double beds, en suites, even cinema rooms.  
What else has changed? While our flatmates remained unknown until moving-in day; now social media means students might “meet” theirs within hours of A-Level results. And instead of weekly calls home from the payphone, parents and students can stay in constant digital contact (more on the wisdom of that – or lack of – below). 
There’s also a different financial context: three years of £9,250 tuition fees, plus maintenance loans, mean our offspring graduate loaded with debt, and middle- and higher-income parents are expected to contribute thousands per year too. Yes, we want our kids to be happy and healthy at university but heck we also want them to get their money’s worth, as do they.  
So, as a family fresh from our own fresher’s experience (Luca, 19, recently finished first year at Durham), here’s what we’ve learned about everything from friendships to finances, as well as about being the parent left at home.
My mum told me about what she calls “freshers’ friendship remorse” – picking up friends who you quickly learn aren’t for you – but now it kicks off before you even arrive. Be wary of getting too close too soon to people you connect with online before term starts. You may find someone you seem to really gel with but when you meet in person, you realise you aren’t going to be lifelong mates after all. Instead, you spend the first weeks of university having awkward, half-hearted conversations, and ultimately trying to shake them off (or them you). 
In freshers’ week everyone’s in the same boat: people want to get to know each other and that includes you. The constant barrage of “where are you from?”. “what course are you doing?”; “which accommodation are you in” does grow old quickly, but persevere. It may take a day, a week, a term, but you’ll find your people. If you do feel homesick or lonely, try at least to avoid returning home too soon; it’ll hamper your settling in as you’ll miss opportunities to get involved and meet others. 
Freshers’ flu isn’t a myth: loads of us got ill. Maybe it’s everyone arriving from all over the place and mixing in crowded spaces like bars and clubs. Ensure you pack some cold and flu meds so you don’t have to stagger to a chemist in a zombie-like state when inevitably you catch it. Generally, the first week and even the whole of the first term can be exhausting; maybe it’s all the newness. Consider your diet (I know self-catering can lead to ready meals and takeaways aplenty, but healthy-ish eating will lead to healthier living), and make sure you take one or two nights off drinking each week.
You’ll hear from older relatives or friends about university being a hotbed (literally) of relationships and they’ll probably ask you about your love life every time you meet. Don’t feel pressure to get into anything yourself if you feel the time isn’t right. 
If you’ve set a weekly budget (you should…), plan to spend double or triple in freshers’ week, otherwise your bank balance will be running dry by the end of term. To help, sign up for student discount apps (StudentBeans, Unidays, etc) – the breadth of companies offering hefty reductions is amazing.
What people post online (or indeed write in The Telegraph) won’t necessarily apply to you. Forums such as The Student Room are goldmines of information about university and specific halls or courses but experiences and perspectives vary. Don’t let things you read in advance worry you – that your allocated halls are a “total dump” or the like – see for yourself.
Societies are a brilliant way to meet people with shared interests but don’t overdo it. From curry club to clay pigeon shooting, the membership fees add up (speaking from costly experience here). Maybe join two or three mainstream activities that you have experience of and one or two more niche societies to try something new. 
If you’re a non-drinker or not the partying type, don’t worry; there are plenty of less boozy activities these days. Whatever you sign up for, don’t invest in too much “stash” (branded merchandise) for clubs you might never go to after the first fortnight; I now have a lifetime supply of Durham societies’ sweatshirts. 
More commonly known nowadays as “welcome drinks”, initiations have long been part of the freshers’ experience (we’ve all heard about David Cameron’s dubious pig “incident” at Oxford), especially for sports teams. Hardcore initiations are largely a thing of the past although there could still be a dose too much alcohol and a dash of humiliation. Chances are nobody will remember what happened in the morning (there could be video, though) and who opted out or embarrassed themselves. But if you’re uncomfortable, don’t give in to peer pressure: feel confident about leaving if something’s not your thing. 
Didn’t get the room type, halls or even university you wanted? My first preference was a single en suite room but I was allocated a shared bedroom (rare these days) with one bathroom between six of us (pool slides proved essential). While it wasn’t ideal sharing a bedroom, my room-mate and I made it work on the whole. 
From bars and retail to working for the university itself, consider what employment is on offer to earn extra money. I work as a student ambassador for the university’s recruitment department – it adds to my budget and my CV, as well as being enjoyable. Obviously, that said, don’t let your job distract you from your studies or your social life too much. 
Social media can make it appear like everyone else is having the most amazing time from day one but remember that often people only post their best moments. What they’re sharing might bear little resemblance to reality.   
The hope, the cliché, is that your university years will be amongst the best of your life, a utopia between school and the 9 to 5. They’re certainly sold as such (note to parents: don’t go overboard with this). So it can feel hard to accept it if things aren’t working out for you. It’s far from unprecedented though and there’s no shame in admitting this. Speak to your parents, and university support services if needed, and work out your options together. For example, universities might allow course changes in the first few weeks, provided there’s space and you have the prerequisites needed. 
If your offspring is still unable to operate a washing machine or is clueless about cooking, use these next few weeks as an informal summer school to help them pick up any skills that got missed along the way. Catered halls can be a gentler introduction for first years who aren’t yet capable in the kitchen if that’s an option. 
Talking of Ikea, their trademark massive blue canvas bags are ideal for taking things up in the car, carting it all to their room and for laundry or storage all year, plus they fold down when not in use. These and under-bed bags or boxes are also handy when students return home and need to store stuff over summer. Other items that I’m told were especially helpful were over-door hooks for towels and coats, thinner hangers to squeeze more into a smallish wardrobe, a plug extension cable, and a waterproof caddy to carry toiletries to and from that shared bathroom. 
As a fresher, I insisted my parents left me outside my halls without coming in, which was possibly a shade harsh in retrospect; now it’s normal to help students unpack and provide an extra pair of hands (you could also nip to the shops for forgotten items). 
But don’t overstay your welcome on drop-off day; last year, I read about a parent considering booking an Airbnb near their child’s university for the entire first week. If you genuinely need to stay the night as it’s too far to return home the same day, offer to meet your fresher for brunch/lunch the next morning but don’t take it personally if they’re too busy exploring their new home town with peers. 
And avoid doing anything especially embarrassing around your child’s new flatmates – it’s understandable that they might be sensitive about first impressions. Finally, attempt to not cry (or hide it well) when you say goodbye. At best they’ll mercilessly tease you, at worst you’ll make them feel unnecessarily guilty.   
Maybe something to add some homeliness to their room. I printed Polaroid-style photos for Luca, mainly of the family dog. A friend covertly stashed a series of pictures through her daughter’s kit to surprise her, which went down well. You could throw in a couple of small gift cards. Another nice touch: win brownie points by providing actual brownies (or chocolates etc.) for them to share with new flatmates. It’s a friendly gesture to break the ice. 
Student rooms can be postage-stamp tiny and kitchens might provide only one cupboard per resident. A fancy pan set and a few too many mugs and there’ll be no room to keep those favourite biscuits out of hungry flatmates’ sight. If your offspring does need something extra, there’s always Amazon, or actual shops nearby.
Thanks to smartphones, you could stay in touch with your child all the time but that doesn’t mean you should. Take their lead and respect their space if they’re happily getting on with it but equally be around if they need advice or are homesick.
Set up contact ground rules if there’s tension about this: perhaps agree you’ll only call them on x days, or won’t message more than once daily. Don’t expect to know everything that’s going on, or even much. And if you message and there’s no response, don’t assume the worst too soon or feel snubbed. Chances are they’re fine and just busy. If all else fails, one friend swears by WhatsApping a cute photo of their dog to elicit a reply.
Respect their privacy if they prefer you don’t “follow” them, even if you’ve done so until now. It’s worth reminding your son or daughter that anything they post online stays online (or could be screenshotted even on “disappearing” social media apps) for future employers to see. 
Doing laundry – or more accurately not doing it – isn’t always about youthful laziness. Washing and drying each load can cost around a fiver in halls’ machines so make sure that’s budgeted for. Drying costs can be cut by using a rack in their room, although they’ll need to watch out for damp.       
You’ve probably had previous discussions about heavy drinking, drugs and unprotected sex but this stage is different. They’re legally an adult and will be “out of sight” compared to when living at home. You can’t effectively tell an adult child what to do/not do and nagging or lecturing won’t help. Instead, calmly remind them of the downsides of riskier activities and how to be as sensible as possible. Remind them of personal safety basics, such as looking out for each other in a group and staying alert for drink spiking.
If your fresher doesn’t seem to be settling in and wants to come home almost straight away, encourage them to give it a bit longer before heading back. In the meantime, be there to listen and make gentle suggestions such as trying different clubs or suggesting a post-lecture coffee. Some parents like to schedule a visit after a few weeks, providing both sides with something to look forward to – and the student with a square meal and anything extra they need from home. If they’re really struggling, follow your instincts and take it seriously. University welfare services are also there to provide students with support.  
Boyfriends and girlfriends back home have always been a tricky subject for freshers. In the old days, existing relationships often collapsed soon into term but don’t be tempted to declare to your child that “you’re bound to split up by Christmas”. All loved up, they won’t believe you or thank you. Plus, while dumping your home squeeze by the end of the first term or two used to be par for the course, plenty of students we know have actually stuck with relationships from back home. Perhaps digital communications make it easier to keep things going?  
It’s tempting to focus solely on helping your child prepare for university but don’t neglect yourself – leaving planning how you’ll fill your time and cope with this major life change means you might drop off an emotional cliff after drop-off day. A course? New hobby? Whatever you might do, think ahead so you can hit the ground running even in freshers’ week. It’ll be a useful distraction instead of staring forlornly into their empty bedroom every few hours.
Liat Hughes Joshi is author of Help Your Child Cope with Change (Summersdale/Vie)